First, children and adults everywhere—regardless of differences in culture, race, language, gender, and other such defining conditions—understand themselves to be cared-about by the people most important to them (i.e., accepted) or not cared-about (i.e., rejected) in the same four ways.
– Introduction to Interpersonal Acceptance-Rejection Theory (IPARTheory) and Evidence
I had the conviction and the tunnel-vision drive. Sophia had the maturity, patience, and empathy I should have had but didn’t.
– Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother
When recalling the times I have gone cover to cover in one sitting, three books come to mind. The first is Salem’s Lot by Stephen King. The second is The Best I Could by Subash Ananthan. The last one is Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. No, I cannot think of any discernible commonality.
Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother was published 11 years ago and much has been written about it. Coincidentally and unbeknownst to me till I read Tiger Mother, the same year that Amy Chua had her book on parenting published, I had read her husband Jed Rubenfeld’s The Interpretation of Murder which works marvellously as an introduction to Freud. The New York Times describes his book as a “research-fueled, psycho-historical Shakespearean thriller with “Da Vinci Code” aspirations”. The subject matter of the following discussion though is inspired by Amy Chua’s book.
Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother is compellingly readable because she writes honestly, in a hilarious way at times and because the subject matter is of eternal relevance.
For example, in today’s context, there is a spotlight on the ‘fun’ element in learning. This can take the form of gamification and educational games. Children may feel and look engaged. Blue Oceanists might point out that users as a class may differ from purchasers and that often it is the former whose preferences products should cater to. Accordingly, there are many elements in educational games which look and feel fun. However, a report on the Metaverse and Education by The Brookings Institution released this year says the “developers of so-called educational apps and scientists who study how children learn are not communicating with one another” and that “Game builders love to insert bells and whistles—more design is often misinterpreted as providing a better educational experience, but that is not necessarily so.”
Amy Chua might agree. She says, “nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences”. She says this produces a “virtuous cycle” – “Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence”. Her view, in at least one way, dovetails with what psychologist Ericsson believes – deliberate practice is necessary for mastery. One way to know if practice is just practice or deliberate practice is that the latter is hard.
Though some have gaped in horror at how intense the regime was for her daughters, Chua does add that in her model of parenting, when “kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home”.
In all things, it would not be unwise to seek balance and nuance. Every child is different and what works for one child may not work for another and ultimately, we want to move from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation for sustained positive behaviour. What we do know is that autonomy is a crucial ingredient of intrinsic motivation. Anything else is shaky ground.
Regardless of performance, one thing which should never be used as leverage in reducing child resistance to doing the needful in view of the long-run and big picture is acceptance. Doing so, according to psychologists would be hugely counter-productive and detrimental.
There is a treasure trove of research on parental acceptance and rejection by psychologist Ronald P. Rohner. He says acceptance and rejection during childhood can have lifelong consequences regardless of cultural differences. This goes to the extent of the kind of jokes one dishes out. Adults who did not grow up believing that they were not accepted joke in a manner which “enhances one’s relationships with others … to reduce interpersonal tension”. Adults who did experience childhood rejection beyond a threshold joked to put others or themselves down (Kazarian, Moghnie, and Martin, 2010 as cited in Rohner, 2021).
Rohner’s 2021 work, Introduction to Interpersonal Acceptance-Rejection Theory (IPARTheory) and Evidence, is too wide in scope to be covered sufficiently here.
In essence he points to worldwide research (over 60 years – Dr. Rohner began researching this in 1959) across cultures and time (longitudinal) which confirms that warmth (physical and verbal) is perceived as acceptance. He highlights that it is the child’s perception of the level of acceptance which matters more than the actual interaction with the child and the motivations and thinking behind these interactions. He shows with evidence that the lack of perceived acceptance would lead to behavioural and emotional problems which would last long into adulthood and possibly, the entire life.
Two aspects of his paper will be highlighted here.
First, he emphasises the outsized role of fathers in ensuring the healthy development of children. He points to cross-cultural research which supports the finding that both females and males are deeply impacted by childhood interactions with their father.
The other aspect which is very interesting is that some individuals – albeit “a minority” (Rohner, 2021) turn out alright (if just so) despite severe childhood rejection unlike most others. This portion of his paper is of particular significance because, he changed the name of his theory from PARTheory – Parental Acceptance-Rejection Theory to IPARTheory – Interpersonal Acceptance-Rejection Theory in 2014. The key difference is the research-based insight that anyone, regardless of age can experience severe and lasting negative behavioural, physical, mental and emotional consequences when they experience perceived rejection from anyone they are attached to (including those outside the immediate family).
He says such individuals fall into two categories – instrumental and affective copers. According to him, the former does well at work or school and other tasks but carries deep pain which affects their overall quality of life. He cites as examples of instrumental copers, prominent people such as John Stuart Mill – the greatest good for the greatest number and Mark Twain – Tom Sawyer. People in the latter category are “persons whose emotional and overall mental health is reasonably good despite having been raised in seriously rejecting families or despite being seriously rejected by other attachment figures throughout life.”
Personality traits crucial to coping with rejection, according to Dr.Rohner are three things. These are, “a differentiated sense of self”, “self-determination” and “the capacity to depersonalize”.
Briefly, when facing rejection, those with a differentiated sense of self will be able to maintain their own feelings and thoughts about the situation and in general compared to the significant other who is rejecting them. They do not feel powerless but instead believe they can change things or receive support elsewhere through their efforts – self-determination. They are able to take the view that the rejection may not be because of their inadequacies but due to factors associated with the other – depersonalisation.
All this talk of long-lasting trauma can be somewhat intimidating. However, as Tierney and Baumeister point out in The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It, what may matter most in our interactions with children and peers is not how good we are but how not bad we are.
In essence, Tierney and Baumeister show research that, even if we are not particularly good, we should refrain from being bad (outright hurtful through acts of omission – absence of warmth or commission) not least because the impact may not be immediately visible.
Not bad is more than good enough.
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