Tom knew it was best to ignore it and leave.

– A Decision, M

At The Brain Dojo, students receive a letter for every first draft of compositions they write. Each letter is a personal response to their story. Every letter is different and there is no standard template or specific areas which are covered. What a student receives would depend on the contents of the story and student’s thought process revealed therein. Techniques, language and life lessons in relation to the relevant theme are surfaced. The letters train critical thinking and develop language ability.

The following is a letter written to an eloquent primary 6 student for whom the best is yet to be. His story was on the theme, A Decision.

Synopsis

As the protagonist runs for shelter from a storm, he spots a worn-out box across the street. Just as he is about to ignore the box, like anyone else would have a worn-out box, it moves. Though with every second that passes, he is getting drenched himself, he moves towards it. He is curious. His imagination runs wild. Expecting to see something out of a storybook, like an alien or a dinosaur, what he sees instead is a soft tabby coated cat. It is covered with cuts and bruises. Though his heart is stirred, he is too respectful a child to actually reach out to rescue it. He knows there is not much he can do. His parents would never allow him to take in even a pedigree cat, let alone an abused, stray. He walks away. And then, he turns back.

Dear M,

The most profound and moving stories are written simply. You have written just such a story. Usually, I would find myself bothered by grammatical mistakes and start thinking of corrections. However, I found myself absolutely riveted by your story.

The reader sees clearly how much of a struggle it must have been for Tom. In less than two pages, you brought the reader through a roller coaster of emotions. This is exactly what I teach my students to do. You must be a natural.

With, “the box suddenly started moving” you have the reader hooked. Though many other writers might have disappointed the reader by showing the tabby coated cat at once, you refrained from doing that. You kept the reader in suspense.

You did this with, “A dragon, an alien, a dinosaur?” Students are told not to write fantasy. This means, no gremlins, elves and aliens. Even so, just for a little while, the reader would have been somewhat hopeful that this would not be the same old story.

You were wise to switch to the tabby coated cat quickly. Otherwise, a teacher might have marked you down for not being realistic. We must be realistic. Stories must be believable.

With, “Tom’s eyes sparkled seeing the animal”, you showed the instant connection between the two. This would have made the reader feel close towards the cat.

Just as your reader begins to expect the usual rescue, you dash her hopes. Or maybe you keep her reading on. “Everyone in his family did not want a cat.” You make the reader feel even more for the cat with, “It had bruises and cuts.”

You show exactly why Tom decides to walk away because Tom is the kind of person who does the right thing. What sealed it for me though was, the next paragraph.

Only a very skilful writer, one very experienced with human emotion could have written those lines in that last paragraph. “Meow…” Even this is expected. Students do describe cats meowing.

However, Tom clenched his fist. He knew if the cat could speak, it would say something like, “Please help me…” – this M, is a masterstroke. Not every student would think to give animals a voice. This allows the reader to not only imagine what state Tom was in but also the plight of the cat.

By showing that Tom clenched his fist, you show the battle that he was going through. A reader would be able to imagine what Tom was feeling. He knew he had to ignore the cries for help. He did not want to. He had to. He had to be firm. He could not go against his parents’ wishes.

The next line again is something only a master writer could have created – “Tom ran back to get the box he knew his parents would not have allowed him to”. He ran. This shows how his torrential flood of feelings for the cat broke through the dam he had built in his heart. You showed in the very same line, that Tom did this fully knowing what kind of fight he had agreed to. Tom could simply have gotten back home, taken a shower and drunk a hot drink. He would have forgotten the box and the cat in it. He could have called the SPCA, the pet rescue organisation. No. He decided to take the difficult path. He knew it was not going to be easy.

This is because “He was fine taking responsibility”. Indeed, decisions cannot be taken lightly and on the spur of the moment. We see an abused cat. Naturally, all of us would feel something. Many of us may want to do something. Some of us would. Then we would regret it. We had not decided after careful consideration.

Tom was not like that. He was someone who did the right thing. The right thing to do if he was not prepared to fight, would have been to call pet rescue. He did the right thing by considering what this decision would cost him. He weighed the chances. He decided he could face the consequences.

The last line again shows and not tells, Tom’s quiet determination to see his decision all the way through. He smiles. This is optimism and faith. He then begins trudging home. This shows he was willing to do what it takes even if it was heavy, even if he had to do it in the heavy rain.

Usually, I would say, we should write at least three pages for content marks. I am not sure I would change anything by adding anything to this story.

Even so, for someone with such natural talent, you could be scoring exceptionally high marks if you paid more attention to grammar by proofreading. If you did anything else, I fear the lure of the story would be lost.

So, we will leave this story as it is without adding content. However, for other stories, you will need to aim for three pages. I will leave it at that and see what you come up with.

If you find it difficult to come up with three pages on your own, we can work together on content.

Thank you for a surreal and powerful tale.

The Brain Dojo