Okay, but on one condition…

–  A Disappointment, J

At The Brain Dojo, students receive a letter for every first draft of compositions they write. Each letter is a personal response to their story. Every letter is different and there is no standard template or specific areas which are covered. What a student receives would depend on the contents of the story and student’s thought process revealed therein. Techniques, language and life lessons in relation to the relevant theme are surfaced. The letters train critical thinking and develop language ability.

The following is a letter written to a Primary 6 student who writes insightful stories. Her story was on the theme, A Disappointment.

Synopsis

There is a bicycle behind the glass window of a shop which attracts and then holds captive the protagonist’s heart. He longs for it and wishes it to be his. He is able to imagine how life might be like with it. As he compares this imaginary future of bliss and nothing else, his current life and the bicycle in it, seem old, worn out and without lustre. Things however are not in his young hands; he is dependent on others, to get him what his eyes have fallen on. The bicycle is promised to him in exchange for sustained effort and labour. Nary a complaint escapes his mouth. He does everything asked of him, the image of the bicycle fuelling him. He finally jumps through all the hoops and when he asks for what he has worked for all this while, he is told it is no longer possible to have it. His heart is shattered and he develops a deep distrust of people.

Dear J,

          Let’s get the areas for growth out of the way first. We must know when to use full stops and when to use commas. If there is more than one subject in a sentence (something or someone else doing an action), we must use a conjunction instead of a comma. Conjunctions are words like so, because, as, and, or, despite, although and so on.

          For example, Hong Kok stared at the bicycle behind the glass window of the shop in envy, he really wanted it, it would allow him to do better in the annual cycling competitions.

Here, there are three subjects, Hong Kok, he and it. Why are these subjects? Look at the verbs. Hong Kok stared. He really wanted it. It would allow him. Here there are three subject-verb pairs. If there is more than one subject-verb pair, we must use conjunctions or we should break these up into separate sentences.

           If you minimised run-on sentences and added a sprinkling of advanced vocabulary, your language would hit at least 17. This is not difficult to do. For instance, you could have ended with, ‘That incident left an indelible stain in his heart which prevented him from trusting easily’ – in place of ‘left a mark in his heart’. To improve your vocabulary, use a thesaurus on Google when writing your practice compositions. This way, you would have amassed a wide range of words which can be used during exams.

          Now let’s appreciate this story. You aced the flavour! Anyone reading would have felt a profound sense of being cheated of what is rightfully theirs. You showed a deep sense of yearning and determined effort because Hong Kok believed his efforts were tied to a reward. It was promised to him and he trusted his parents. The most heart-breaking line in your story was, “My parents must have bought the last one. I am so lucky,” he thought. 

          Even at this point, Hong Kok had no doubt in his heart that of course his parents would keep their word. He had after all put himself through so much pain because he trusted them. You know, what is important to us may not be as important to others. This is very natural. Others may not understand why something might mean that much to someone. As a consequence, they may not be as attentive towards attaining it like the person who really wants it. So, ultimately, each of us have a responsibility towards ourselves to get what we want. We cannot make someone else responsible to ensure something important to us is gotten. Hong Kok could have kept an eye on the bicycle or asked his parents to make a reservation or informed the shop keeper of his deal with his parents. This way, he would have taken steps to ensure his parents’ side of the bargain can be kept. Since he did not do this, it became impossible for them to keep to their word. No one cheated Hong Kok and yet he did get cheated. Taking measures may have helped him avoid this.

          What I especially like and is especially masterful and insightful is how you described the feeling of disappointment. The line, “We hope you don’t mind if you walked to school” is painful and heart-wrenching to read. One can only imagine how Hong Kok must have felt when he heard those words. Something he held on to dearly for support for months had been taken away from him. He must have felt like the ground beneath him was sinking and very disoriented, like the room was spinning. It must have been nothing less than a profound shock.

          Also masterful, were these lines/phrases: “definitely a joke”, “knife pieced through his heart”, “disappointment turned into anger”, “his heart was already shattered and he decided to stop cycling altogether”. You showed the feeling, process and consequence of disappointment. Hong Kok begins hurling accusations at his parents (in his heart) and even when he has calmed down, the damage to his heart has already been done. Even though he knows his parents had every intention of keeping their promise to him, he now “would not trust people as easily was more careful, for better or worse” – this is to err on the side of caution (better to be safe than sorry because we trusted someone we should not have).

          So, J, finally we begin to see what you are capable of. Compared to before, this is exceptional work. From beginning to end, there is a sense of tragedy and impending gloom.

          As an aside, I should tell you, not very many things in the world are without substitutes. If we cannot have one thing, we can have other things. Sometimes, we may not enjoy something as much as we thought we would, once we have it. Scientists know the novelty effect in buying behaviour (Google this) wears off very quickly. This means regardless of what you get, after a short time, you will not be as excited about it after a while. However, before you get it, the imagination would run wild, promising you the time of your life. This itself will lead to profound disappointment after you have spent time, effort and resources to get what you thought might make you very happy.

          The more we anticipate something to be very great, the more we will be disappointed. You know why? Nothing can bring us more happiness than our imagination. The imagination would beat reality hands down every time. What does this teach us? If we truly want to enjoy something, we should not …

          If this title comes up in any form, you can use the additional insights in this letter in your story. As you can see, you have painted a very scientific picture of Disappointment, a very realistic picture in your story. 

          You have it in you to be a very insightful writer and I’m already looking forward to your next masterpiece! Keep up the great work J!

The Brain Dojo